There is something frightening going on today in America. Terrifying. And although it’s spreading across the 50 states at an alarming rate, the source is clearly Hollywood, California. It’s an epidemic, and it’s called ‘remake mania.’

Charlotte’s Web (1973) – remade 2006
Clash of the Titans (1981) – remade 2010
The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) – remade 2008
Fame (1980) – remade 2009
Hairspray (1988) – remade 2007
The Karate Kid (1984) – remade 2010
Planet of the Apes (1968) – remade 2001 (prequel set for 2011)
War of the Worlds (1953) – remade 2005
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) – remade 2005

And now Footloose? C’mon! Stop already!

When I heard about Footloose, the gears in my head started turning and after a little research I found a website which claims to know of remakes in the works. *Deep breath* And guess what else is on their list? The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas – you have GOT to be kidding me. Any remake of that film will be so terribly inappropriate that it will go straight to video. Maybe.

How about Hitchcock’s The Birds, The Black Hole, or Dune? I know, Dune!

Well did you know that Ghostbusters is on this list? Or Gremlins? What if they remake The Neverending Story? Who would play The Child-Like Empress to such perfection? And in all seriousness, how can they possibly remake Superman? I’m going on the record now and announcing my official boycott of that movie if they do.

This is painful. Sure, there have been a few decent remakes, but I’m so upset right now that I can’t even think of one. There are some movies that deserve to be preserved in the decade they were produced in. No one is interested remaking Witness, are they? Or Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing? No. Because it’s ridiculous! So instead they’ll destroy 80s classics like Gremlins and Ghostbusters and ruin them with modern-looking special effects… remember what happened with the new Star Wars trilogy?

C’mon, Hollywood. There are thousands of starving writers out there and unemployment is high. Can’t you hire a few of them and produce something original?

Just please, please do me one small favor. Just one… and yes, I want you to pinkie swear. Please don’t remake Grease. And I’m not talking about Grease 2… I’m talking about John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John singing Summer Nights in the school yard. You’ll destroy me, Hollywood, and you’ll forever change the spirit and soul of karaoke duets.

Trust me when I say that you don’t want the weight of this on your shoulders, or on your soul. Please, Hollywood… please?

I’m boycotting Jennifer Aniston. I’m so sorry, Jennifer. I like you, I really do. When Brad went flaky and left you, I was with you all the way, 100%, unequivocally. I think you’re adorable, talented, clever and smart… and my guess is that you’re a pretty great person… but I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t watch another Jennifer-Aniston-looking-cute kind of movie.

I feel the need to provide a parallel. I’m not a Jim Carrey fan. Not at all. I liked The Mask when it came out (can you believe that was 1994?), but nearly every movie that Jim Carrey does results in the same character from him. He never made me laugh, he made me cringe. Every role, every character was predicatable. I was done. But then there was an exception: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was awesome. For the first time, I thought, “Wow. Jim Carrey can really act and not be totally irritating.” I love that movie, and although I am still highly irritated by Jim Carrey on occasion, he earned a whole new respect from me when that movie was released.

So this is what I’m looking for from Jennifer. I like her. I’ve liked her movies for years. But we’ve reached a point where I just want more. I’m tired of her playing the attractive but slightly damaged, slightly awkward middle-class income kind of girl who isn’t looking for love but finds it anyway. Enough. I want her to do something more challenging… and honestly, until she does, I’m on a Jennifer Aniston boycott.

C’mon Jennifer! You can do it! Go call your agent and tell him that you want more. Tell him that you want to do something unexpected! Because until you do, I’m out, sister, and the boycott is officially on.

Starting now.

Our vet appointment went well today. Antonio lost weight (yay!) and weighs a trim 10 lbs 12 oz. He was on his way to 12 lbs about six months ago so we were very happy to hear it. Everything is well with him, with the ever-so-slight- exception of his teeth, which, at eight years of age, look great compared to most dachshunds. I just brushed his teeth for the first time ever, and honestly, he didn’t seem to mind at all.

Cipriana (Ana) also did very well. The vet can’t say for sure if she has had kittens or if she has just been through a few heat cycles in her life, but at four years old unspayed, our bet is kittens. Today Ana weighs 9 lbs 3 oz which is up from 7 lbs 8 oz when I adopted her. This is excellent! But now she’s at her ideal weight, so I was given a scoop to make sure I don’t overfeed her. Overall, Ana is in excellent health, too, which makes me ecstatic and relieved.

(And, of course, all of this made me miss my Elliott.)

After the vet I worked eight hours from noon until not too long ago… so now I am tired again. At this point, I think maybe I have an ear thingy and not a sinus infection because although I don’t have pain, I think the clogginess is in my ears. I’m wondering if the ringing that I heard for a day or two after the NKOTB concert started this – think: concert, ear ringing, headaches and nausea – the symptoms all start to make sense. Now the questions are: Do I just need healing time? Or do I have a problem? I don’t know.

All of this speculation, of course, means that I am now going to have a lame weekend. I intend to be lazy, stay in, and – with exception to seeing Delilah and Rilee tomorrow – do nothing. I need to kick this ear thing and hydrate and rest.

Oh… and I need to watch On the Waterfront and The Grapes of Wrath. Jealous yet?

1. I am so excited for my girls to get here. Even though we’ll be together for only twenty hours or so, I can’t WAIT! NKOTB, here we come! (Again!)

2. I’m driving home to Ohio on Friday morning. I drop the girls off at the airport at 6:30 AM, then I’ll pack and hit the road. Baby Shower and grandparent visits are planned.

3. Ana. Sneezes. At night. In my face. I don’t like it.

4. Ummm… weird question: what are girl cat nipples supposed to look like? Ana has funny looking nipples – I’M SORRY! They’re skinny and long-like. Weird, right? But maybe I just don’t know girls.

5. I realized on Sunday that I’d seen 44 of the 100 American Film Institute’s top movies. Make that 45 because I just finished watching Bridge over the River Kwai. Wow. I think I saw it as a kid, but I’m glad I watched it again as an adult – it’s a great movie. Really, really great. Next up: The Grapes of Wrath.

6. On that note, if you don’t have Netflix, I highly recommend it. While I’m waiting for one movie to arrive, I watch one or two more on the Internet. Next on Netflix online: Casablanca.

7. I need to finish Jeanne’s blanket. Like… pronto.

8. Marie wants me to start digital scrapbooking. Hmmm… another hobby.

9. Oh! Ana has a meow. Barely. It is even more pathetic than Mariah’s meow. She’s tried about three times, and each time I know that she’s meowing more because I can see it rather than hear it.

10. I almost forgot: READER POLL. Where can I get decent crab cakes to go that will last the drive (chilled) to Ohio? I need something easy and local, but not cheap-o. Help. It’s for my grandpa.

I’ve been staying in with the kids this week (minus work and lunch with Jill), so I’ve ramped up my movie watching. Here are some quick and dirty reviews from me… and yes, it’s true: I’m home on St Patrick’s Day. I absolutely hate Baltimore on this day, so I bought a twelve pack of Modelo and settled in to watch the tube. Antonio and Ana are the best dates ever.

I Am Legend
Liked it. Was freaked out by the rabid monster people (ew!), but overall it was enjoyable to watch. As discussed with Nicole, I only wish they would have expanded more on the craftiness of the darkseekers in that they were obviously setting traps, etc. They weren’t dogs… there was still some humanity there, and I wish there would have been more on that. Oh well, I only paused the movie twice to avoid being freaked out… and I thought it was a very touching story. Four stars.

Win A Date with Tad Hamilton!
Cute, but predictable. I always enjoy Topher, so it was easy to watch, but it certainly wasn’t very deep. Just cute. Luckily it was nowhere near as bad as some other “cute” movies that come out (ie Glitter). It wasn’t tacky or too corny either – just easy. And cute. (Did I say cute?) Three stars.

W.
Sooo… I expected to enjoy this movie, but I just didn’t. The acting was wretched. I hated the portrayals of Condolezza and Cheney especially. Watching scenes with them was painful because they were really bad imitations. I sorta got the point of the movie and all (how and why Bush became the person he is – his struggles, pressures, blah, blah, blah), but so many of the scenes were just reiterations of things that happened publicly during speeches or press releases (“Fool me once…”) applied to fictional scenes. It was painful. I’m sorry. I hate it for the EXACT reason I hate playing video games based on movies – I completely know the story. This movie didn’t enrich my life at all. What a waste.

Bowling for Columbine
Ah… Michael Moore. The movie is certainly filled with a lot of (not so fun) facts, but as much as I do like MM, I wonder about the spin. His spin is that he has no spin… but everyone has a spin. When you say 11k people die by handguns every year in the US, and that’s compared with lower rates in other countries… I wondered: how many is that per capita? Is the percentage of deaths still radically different? Now this isn’t to say I don’t believe in his message. I do feel that gun laws should be tightened tremendously, but I just wonder what the data looks like behind the data that he shares. This one got me thinking. Three stars.

Fracture
Goooood one. My second Ryan Gosling movie in a week or so, and with the bonus of Anthony Hopkins, too. Great twisting plotline… clever turns… good acting. I’ve found that my new flatscreen’s high contrast makes creepy scenes especially creepy; and Anthony Hopkins is the king of creepy. This is a keeper. Or a watcher. You should see it. Four stars.

I have watched a lot of movies lately… it’s a symptom of my nesting. Even cooler, I’ve actually seen three of the five movies nominated for Best Picture. Yeah… I know. I’m cool. I totally picked best actress, best actor and best picture. This has been a good year, and these awards were well deserved.

Anyway… here are some quick and easy comments on the movies I’ve seen recently:

The Wrestler – Good. Good acting for sure. A bit gory though. It’s sort of painful to watch, but yet worth the time, if that makes sense. And although I respect Mickey Rourke’s comeback (I actually looked up his story on Wikipedia to get his “real” history), I think his skin is weird. And by weird, I mean gross… but, of course, now I feel guilty because I know what happened to make him look that way. So karma comes back to bite me in the butt: I think he’s creepy, and now I feel bad about it. Moving on…

Milk - Simply amazing. Sean Penn (regardless of how you feel about his politics) was phenomenal. Truly incredible. I think this role has been one of the best roles of his career, and the Best Actor win was deserved 100%. He said it best when he won last night when he said, “I didn’t expect this, and I want to make it very clear how hard I make it to appreciate me often.. But I am touched by the appreciation.” This is a movie you shouldn’t miss – it’s well acted, and historic. Go. Go now.

Slumdog Millionaire - Anyone who hasn’t seen this movie yet should be beaten. Okay, no… I’m kidding. But it’s a great movie. It’s admittedly choppy, a bit unnerving at times (the spoon!), but it’s well showcased, well directed. The acting is good, but it’s not the acting that makes this such a fabulous movie. It’s the story, the story-telling, the fantastical nature of the scenes, and, of course, it has love in it… so the girls will love it. It’s actually NOT a Bollywood movie, it’s English, but it has all of the fun and fanciful touches of Bollywood… so you’d never know.

Inkheart – Loved it. If you have teenagers or young kids, take them. It’s like Jumanji meets Labrynth. Cool effects, nice story, good acting. It’s a family film of sorts but good for adults, too. I enjoyed every minute.

Sherrybaby - (Netflix) Good, but another story about a girl who can’t kick the habit. She has lots of sex, shoots up, doesn’t understand why her daughter (who hasn’t seen her because she was in jail) is confused. Okay… worthy up a weeknight viewing, but not a must see, unfortunately.

Half Nelson – (Netflix) Ryan Gosling does a great job in this story about a teacher who also happens to be a drug addict. I couldn’t decide how bad I felt for him because the movie doesn’t automatically try to get you to like the guy which was nice. He’s a decent guy who cares about kids, but he’s weak… he just can’t stop, and actually gets worse. It’s worth watching, but more introspective than entertaining.

Sweeney Todd – (Netflix) LOVED IT. Loved it more than when I’ve seen it on stage. It’s so dark and morbid that it’s a hard show to watch… but Johnny Depp made the character dark without being horrid. The music was great, the vocals were great, the scenery was awesome, and in creating the film version they removed the “chorus” scenes, so there’s no singing/dancing street scenes… that should be helpful to those of you who don’t like musicals. It’s Johnny Depp, for goodness sakes… go see it.

I’ve also watched Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Avonlea, and two of the three DVDs for Weeds, Season 3. All good… and so my quest to make the most of my Netflix subscription continues…