Ana seems more comfortable at night… she has been sleeping on the bed with us, looking out the windows, and begging for neck scratches all between 3-8 AM. Lovely. After I let Antonio out this morning… back under the bed she went. Weird.

It’s obvious I am capable of stressing over anything. Last night my coworkers and I spent a few hours decorating our work area for Halloween – and the decorations are EXTENSIVE. Last night I dreamed that someone on another team came in early and tore everything down before we arrived today.

I mean, really? I dreamt over and over that I was pissed and was telling the guy off, etc., etc. Now, for my work readers – the person in my dream doesn’t even really exist – his name was Vern or Brett (you know how dreams are), but boy was I livid.

Anyway, I’m up early getting ready. Pics to come this weekend. I love celebrating Halloween at my job. Love. It.

I don’t know what the heck happened last night, but I had four (count them) four horrible dreams last night. And I slept terribly because of it. Here’s a summary:

In the first I was in the car with my family when we saw two huge tornadoes coming our way. I have similar dreams to this one every few years or so. We made it to safety, but it was a panicked few moments while we tried to make it back to our hotel. In the second dream I was with a few strangers, and a convict (orange jumper and all) was chasing us through a building. We gathered in a room and of course, he finds the room and starts banging on the door while we scream and try to escape. At the end of the dream we get away and he gets caught, but then people start getting killed – kind of like Final Destination where destiny finds a way to complete itself. After this dream I got up and walked around. I was freaked and didn’t want to fall asleep and continue the same dream, so I had to break it by doing other things. By the time I did fall back asleep, I had my third dream which involved Elliott. He got out of the house (my parents’, I think), jumped a few stories down from a deck to the ground (which scared me), then caught a fish from a stream and the fish tried to bite off his face. Gross, right? Lastly, I dreamt that I was a teenager again, and a neighbor was making inappropriate advances toward me. I had to run from his house, past his family in the living room, to get away. That gave me shivers.

From what I can make out, here are the causes:
- Tornado dream – No cause. I have this one periodically. I don’t think it’s a stress dream because I’m not particularly stressed, but it’s a familiar theme in my dreams.
- Convict dream – The convict in the dream was the actor from Desperate Housewives who plays the creepy dad. What’s his name? I think that show, plus watching all the Seasons of OZ might be having some effect on me. Then, of course, there’s the convict chasing me/us bit… maybe I feel vulnerable?
- Elliott dream – The deck is similar to my parents’ deck, but not sure what the fish biting his face is about. I vaguely remember that I didn’t want to beat the fish off of Elliott because people would accuse me of animal abuse, so maybe it’s from watching a lot of Animal Cops lately.
- Teenager dream – This just has to be from watching Election, the movie with Reese Witherspoon and Matthew Broderick. In it she has an affair with her teacher. Not sure why it was me in the dream, but maybe it’s that vulnerability thing again.

Okay, so there you go. This is all up for comment if you all have any other ideas.

Bad dream night last night. I dreamt the same, or very similar dreams, the whole night. I woke up over and over again only to fall back asleep and dream the same depressing dreams all over again. It all makes for a restless night of sleep and a sour and sad morning. I didn’t get out of bed permanently until 11 AM.

It’s pretty twisted that relationship scars from the past can play such a painful role almost 2 1/2 years later. It’s strange how loving someone with strong feelings of being unwanted and abandonment can result in those same insecurities rubbing off on you. It’s probably the very worst gift I’ve ever received. I don’t really care about those people anymore, but the effects of the damage – emotional neglect, betrayal, abandonment – all sit in a dark corner of my soul and come out at the most inconvenient times. My life is great, my friends are great, my career is great, and there is nothing wrong in the least with my life… but this dark cloud of heartache and doubt comes and goes, and it’s exhausting.

I just reread this post and it sounds awfully depressing. I’m not depressed, just weary today, I guess. My heart is aching today a little more than normal, and there’s no easy way to get it to go away. Time, I guess. And maybe a little wine…